[Sean had to read this book and review it because of reader votes in Junk Novel Roulette. Find more JNR here.]

Author: Anne Bishop

2000, Roc

Note: [We're not scoring or filing JNR books as reviews--that's just too mean.]

My initial thought was to do this write-up in the style of an adventurer’s journal, as if I were traveling across the great unknown with only a small sheet of cryptic clues to guide me. I found myself often lost and confused, as in a dark forest. Other times I found myself zoning out, staring blankly ahead while trudging onward across a barren plain in a tedious march. But since I was just able to get my metaphor across in three sentences, I’m no longer going to bother with that approach. Here’s the only thing I’m going to write about Queen of the Darkness that could possibly be construed as praise: this novel was nothing at all like what I expected.

In the interest of getting us on the same page as quickly as possible, I’m going to excerpt the two pages that preceded Part 1 of this beast in their entirety:

JEWELS

White

Yellow

Tiger Eye

Rose

Summer-sky

Purple Dusk

Opal*

Green

Sapphire

Red

Gray

Ebon-gray

Black

*Opal is the dividing line between lighter and darker Jewels because it can be either.

When making an Offering to the Darkness, a person can descend a maximum of three ranks from his/her Birthright Jewel.

Example: Birthright White could descend to Rose. …
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[Eric had to read this book and review it because of reader votes in Junk Novel Roulette. Find more JNR here.]

Author: Bertrice Small

1997, Ivy Books

Note: [We're not scoring or filing JNR books as reviews--that's just too mean.]

When I received my Junk Novel Roulette assignment, I made it my mission to love Hellion. I promised the other C4 editors I would write a glowing review, and I would do it without my tongue in my cheek. No irony. No sarcasm. Just pure adoration.

It was an impossible promise, but during my MFA I heard a lot about genre fiction versus literary fiction. Usually, people made the distinction as an off-handed dis, like “It’s just chick-lit” or “Doesn’t this seem science-fictiony?” All I learned from these accusations was that I never wanted to be one of those readers who presumed to hold a monopoly on taste.

Whether I like it or not, though, I am one of those readers. I thought I could love a mass-market medieval adventure romance about a “brazen beauty” named Belle because I assumed, without ever having read a romance novel, that I knew what cheap thrills I would find there. Having finished Hellion, I can’t say I loved it, but I was surprised by it, by all the ways it did and did not fit the mold in my head.

I expected sex; I did not expect porn. I expected bad writing; I didn’t know the half of it. I expected plot; I never imagined I would find it, even if only in part, so gripping. …
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And then there were two! So we’ve decided this will be the final round of JNR Season One. Thanks to all you who offered to be the 8th, but we’ve determined it’s best to be able to declare one book a Survivor. So which will it be? Between The Godmother and The Cereal Murders, one will be read and reviewed by David Duhr, the other will be crowned the first JNR Survivor. Help us determine the outcome by voting below. And be sure to check out all the great reviews that forthcoming from this venture.

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Nearing the end of JNR Season 1. As a matter of fact, we haven’t yet pinned down a reader for round 8. So if any intrepid C4 readers/lurkers/passersby feel brave enough, shoot us an email at info@chamberfour.com saying you’re  interested. We’ll draw a name out of a hat and send the “winner” a crappy novel stuffed with stickers, a koozie, and maybe some other swag–put “JNR” in the subject line so it doesn’t get misplaced. In the meantime, vote below for which of the remaining bad books C4 co-founder Eric Markowsky must read and review.

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Only half the original 8 books are left. We’ve already got one review in, with three more coming. Vote below to determine which book our fifth victim, Aaron Block (a.k.a. =ab) must read and review.

Rotated 180 degrees, this image says "fa" in Braille. What does it mean?

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[Mike had to read this book and review it because of reader votes in Junk Novel Roulette. Find more JNR here.]

Author: Liz Carlyle

2007, Mass Market

Note: [We're not scoring or filing JNR books as reviews--that's just too mean]

Despite the deceptive title, a duke is in fact deceived by a dashing damsel in distress in this dreadful Dickensian drama. Antonia Warneham somehow deceives duke Gareth Lloyd (perhaps by forgetting to spout her back story immediately, in everyday conversation, as all the other characters do) and, boy, does she ever pay the price.

Apparently, the book is Carlyle’s warning against the damning deception of dukes, because Antonia suffers greatly for her deceit. If you deceive a duke he will do terrible things, like have sex with you while you are sleepwalking on the rampart (which is considered rape by most) and later say things like, “Let me feast my eyes on your pure English beauty” when the consensual sex actually occurs. (“Let me feast my eyes on your pure English beauty” is what a serial killer says to someone he is keeping tied up in his basement.) So take warning. After deceiving a duke, you will be subject to both his cringe-inducing constant narrative and the awkward sex that nearly, but not entirely, interrupts his babbling. And, of course, a healthy amount of “throbbing” and “thrusting.”

Along the way through the authors plodding, maddenlingly-predictable plot, Carlyle shoe-horns in themes of the time’s antisemitismby with the subtly of a jack-hammer, casually mentions Gareth’s teenage rape at the hands of some scurrilous sailors, and fails to set off even the most basic love triangle. If you were playing a drinking game to this novel by taking a sip of beer whenever you found a romance stereotype, you’d be passed out or sick in less than an hour.

John Fowles’ great novel The French Lieutenant’s Woman is, for all intents and purposes, similar to Carlyle’s novel. Both books are set in Victorian England, both concern romance between star-crossed lovers thwarted by the aristocracy and a rigid class system, and both feature main characters rebelling against their era. What’s missing from Never Deceive a Duke, though, is the character of Fowles himself. In The French Lieutenant’s Woman, Fowles’ narrator often deliniates to educates the reader on the customs of Victorian England, not only setting the story’s place in history but also countering the social sniping and stuffy Victorianism with a modern voice of reason reflecting on a socially confused time. Together, both reader and narrator shake their heads at the plight of poor Charles Smithson and Sarah Woodruff, and see them as they are: casualties of Victorian England’s moral hypocrisy.

In Never Deceive a Duke, the reader is left to provide this voice of reason for him (or, much more likely, her) self. Maybe all that’s really missing is someone to look pityingly on the two dunces in this novel, and giggle at the author’s abysmal prose. With a narrator like Fowles’ elucidating the conventions of the Romance genre, pointing to the myriad clichés as they arise, and cringing, as any modern reader does, at the mystifying dialogue, Never Deceive a Duke could be enjoyed not for the romance that it fails at conjuring, but for the unintentional comedy that so often succeeds. “Come along with me,” such a narrator might say as she takes out her scalpel to dissect this awful novel. “Let us feast our eyes on this pure B-rate beauty.”

It’s my turn. Go ahead and punish me. Vote below for which of the 5 remaining books I need to read and review for C4. Betcha I get my done before everyone else, too.

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Two books down, six to go. Vote below for which of the six remaining books Nico should read and review for the site.  You can vote as much as you want, so feel free to punish him. Voting ends in a week. For those of you keeping score at home, I added a little scorecard to the very bottom of the post.

Vote which book Nico must read and review for C4

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Scorecard:

Mike is (better be) slogging through Never Deceive a Duke this very moment–thanks to everyone who voted.  For the next round, the field of titles is reduced by one. So, vote for one of the remaining titles and our own Marcos Velasquez will have no choice but to read and review it. The poll closes one week from today, and you can vote as much as you want. Have at.

Vote for which book Marcos must read and review for C4.

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We’re all about fun and games here at C4, so here’s a new one. Every once and a while, we’ll put up a bunch of trashy novels we’ve gathered from the street, and force one of our contributors to read and review one. In this first round, the lucky reader will be Mike Beeman. I’ve placed a picture of 8 such novels below. Take a look at them–food-themed murder novels, some fantasy/romance, plenty of sauciness. Then, vote on which one you think Mike should have to read. Happy Birthday, Mike. The poll below will determine your “present” from C4. [Update: The poll will close Sunday 7/18 at noon. You can vote more than once, so have at.]

Vote which trashy book Mike Beeman must read and review for C4.

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